Some days I can’t figure out anything in my life. Nothing makes sense. My own brain just makes me wonder if there’s any hope. Sometimes life gets so lonely; my friends don’t get me, my husband is working while I’m sleeping and vice versa, and I just wonder if I’m literally one of those gerbils running on the exercise wheel with no end in sight. Even work gets me down and I wonder if the Universe/God/the Dao/GodasBBL even exists. Then something happens. A friend is there for me. I hear a piece of music that stirs my heart and gives me hope. And then I know. And I am grateful. I am grateful because I know that there is more than what this life appears to be.
The other day, I was thinking about how different John and I are. Our parents told both of us that although they understood the thrill of loving someone different from you, we weren’t marriage material for each other. After all, John is fairly conservative, from a very observant Catholic family. Parents who raised nine children all from the same marriage. Although my family is also large, we represent the offspring of four marriages. My mother was an ex-Catholic, searching for an expression of her faith less restrictive than the one in which she was raised. She found something, but died far too young to enjoy that knowledge. Two failed marriages after the first, my father and my stepmother were and are atheists, holding that religion has destroyed the good in the world. I believe in God and the enormous love of God shown by Her son, Jesus, but refuse to view God as the sexist/misogynist/patriarchal desert God of the Old Testament.
Our kids so far have not indicated a belief in any particular faith. They are probably all agnostic. Believe it or not, that’s OK with me, because it’s honest.
We are so divided in so many ways, yet we all love each other. John and I – the “girl next door” – no the CRAZY girl next door – raised a family that was so different from both of us, but my God, they are all so freaking interesting! How did we get here? Through hell, believe me. Things were not always good with John and me. I don’t think a day went by for over twenty years when I didn’t piss him off on a regular basis. And believe me, that takes a toll on things. I’m sure there are many people who decide to throw in the towel and leave. Neither of us is like that. I can’t speak for John, but for me, I think I’ve stuck around for the same reason I’ve ever really thought about suicide: I’m too damn curious to see what’s around the corner, that I cannot believe it won’t be something better or more interesting. Perhaps that’s what the sort-of-astrologer, Bob Breszny, would call pronoia – a kind of positive paranoia. Anyway….
But here’s something to think about: despite it all, we raised six really intelligent, inner-directed, INDIVIDUALS. How the hell did that happen? Shit if I know (as they say in Bawlmer). The other thing that strikes me is that whatever crapola hit the fan, John always viewed my career as important as his and worked with me on that. The only really terrible shame is that when I was a housewife with the all-important FULL TIME job of caring for our children, he didn’t appear to feel the same way – until he experienced it himself. And to be fair, I was the same way about his job in the early years of our marriage. But now I know that really, he could do that better than I in the housework department – he really could. Which is why he is the one who cares for the home about ten times more than I do at this point in our marriage. Yeah, guys like him really do exist. Sorry women, he’s taken!
I have also been blessed with wonderful friends: friends dating back to elementary school, high school, college, the early years of children, going back to law school, friends from church, and just plain friends. Friends and children are two of the hugest blessings in my life.
So please believe I’m grateful. I have pain and I suffer, just like everyone else. I don’t have a lot of money (no, lawyers are NOT by definition rich!), and I don’t have a lot of stuff (except a lot of yarn and books about knitting – ok, maybe I fudged a little on that one…), but I am rich in so many ways. Thanks be to God.
So, although life has been supremely strange for me over the years, I am grateful for it. And here endeth the lesson – at least for today:)
Since last I posted, dear 2.5 readers, I went to dinner Thursday evening with Donna and Sally – two of the most beautiful voices in our choir – and had a lot of fun. Afterwards, we went to help with the final mailing push for the Orchestra. I had to leave early so John could have the car for work, but from what I understand, they got it all done! Yay!
Yesterday was a long, very tiring day in court, even though all I had was one hearing for each docket! A lot of “hurry up and wait” as they say in court biz, LOL. But that stuff tires you out more than outdoor exercise. Today I had a visit with a lovely client who has diabetes – we’d like to get her home with her relatives (both parents are gone, sadly). She’s such a sweetheart, I am going to fight like the proverbial pit bull next week for her, believe me!
On my way back, I made a little mental health detour to Cloverhill Yarn shop in Catonsville, Merlin and got just a little something for a pair of mittens – fresh outta Vogue Knitting:
See, here’s the thing: when the yarn shop has a sample knitted beautifully out of a yarn that is in a basket just two feet away, the customer – especially the knitting customer who has had years of experience – will succumb. Badly. Oh dear. So now I want to get started on those mittens by Jared Flood – the Green Autumn mittens (of which mine will be in blue, but who’s looking).
And: Oh. My. God. Have you seen Jared Flood’s
new book? Made in Brooklyn
is being distributed right now by Classic Elite Yarns (because, surprise surprise he’s using their yarns in his patterns) but it’s only 16 bucks or so! How bad can that be? And boy, are these patterns lovely! I first heard about it from a tweet by the crochet maven Kim Werker and the minute I saw it, I was lost:
The minute I have the funds, I’m getting this book. I have been following Jared’s work for years now via his blog – a blog with the loveliest photography. So it was no surprise that this was a young man studying for his MFA at FIT in NYC (while – you guessed it – living in Brooklyn!).
Well, I’m getting the swift and ballwinder out for that New England Shetland – why not?:)
Until next time, dear 2.5 readers, or however many of you there are:
God be with you ’til we meet again!+