Well, I finished my last bits of daylight this evening sitting outside, listening to Episode 80 of Brenda Dayne’s Cast-on podcast. I worked on the February Lady Sweater, with its gull lace pattern that is so easy to remember, but interesting enough to enjoy watching it grow. The sweater traveled with me today to a meeting at DSS concerning the next placement of young adult client. I sat and knit and listened and restrained myself from saying things that would not have helped and listened. And listened. It was one of those meetings. I am hopeful and fearful about that young man’s future. More than that I will not say, cannot say.
After getting home, I returned some phone calls and got some more paperwork done. Tomorrow will be a day of catching up on visits and more phone calls to be sure I have it together for Thursday and Friday. One of my colleagues and I are covering some cases so that we can better organize our calendars this week. As a result, I may have time to walk Thursday morning with another choir friend, Susan. We’ll see. I’m so out of practice with the walking that I worry I will hold her back! But I have to exercise and walking is the best way I can right now.
One thing I have gotten back to is a low-carb diet. It’s funny. I’d forgotten how one’s appetite just goes down to nothing when you do that. Every time I do get back to the right kind of foods for me, I’m always wondering why I just didn’t do it before. That’s the insanity of compulsive overeating/carboholicism – it’s like any other addiction and I simply have to treat it that way. No, I won’t get arrested for having a brownie in my possession, nor will I have to spend time in an inpatient facility as a condition of probation, but sometimes I think the companies that push sugar and white flour and processed foods should be treated just like pushers. Sometimes.
I have decided to pursue weight loss surgery. I don’t know if I will be successful, but if anyone should qualify for this as a medically necessary treatment, I should. This has been a lifelong, generally losing, struggle. My body will adapt to most anything, so I think gastric bypass makes the most sense. Many of my online and offline friends will disagree with me. That’s OK. I plan on giving it a shot nonetheless.
Anyway, I’ve lost 7 pounds of the 45 I gained back from the 60 I lost 2 years ago. What that means is I lost 60 and gained back 50 and lost back 12 (7 from the diet, a previous 5 from skipping a few meals), so I’m back to a net loss of 22 from my highest weight or a net gain of 38 from two years ago.)
But those are numbers that can become as much of an obsession as carbs, so I’m trying to be cautious with jumping on the scale. Right now it’s every morning at the same time. When we (John’s doing this too) get to week 2 where you add in a few carbs (i.e. some fruit and whole grains), I think I’m going to stick to once a week to avoid freaking out over the slower loss and/or any water changes.
OK, just one more thing to bore you with, dear readers: I have had some good results in that my ankles aren’t swelling as much as they were and I’ve got just a little bit more energy. But the bottom line is I’m working on forgiving myself for gaining back all the weight I did. It will serve no purpose to go into the what ifs. What will help is to stay positive and realistic.
I think the worst of it was this past fall and winter I just gave up. I gave up because I was depressed about life in general and about some things I’m not comfortable discussing in a public forum. I tend to beat up on myself for things like that. I have a wonderful family and am lucky to have them in my life. I am blessed with wonderful friends, both online and off. But there was something that just took the stuffing out of me. I think a part of me tried to put it back in, LOL! One thing I have never lost is my sense of humor, thank GodasBBL:)!
Another thing I have not lost is a sense of gratitude for all the good things in my life. In the past few months everyone has been affected by the terrible financial crunch – depression perhaps – that has hit the States and the world over. Today John and I still have jobs. There have been some pay cuts and rearranging and John is not working two jobs anymore, so we no longer have that additional help, but we get by on a little less. Hopefully it won’t be a lot less.
Right now the weather is beautiful. Right now I have two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears and two hands and a brain that work. I have a soul that can soar and enjoy beautiful music and the
company of friends, the joy of family and the presence of God.
I sat outside this evening, knitting and taking in the sounds of birds and squirrels and the gentle breeze and the beauty of an evening in June in Merlin. I sat. I knit and I listened to Ms. Dayne’s wonderful podcast. I watched the ring around the moon, I watched the sky turn darker and darker and the distant flashes of lightning in the background of the magnificent sky.
And I was grateful.
Well, it’s time to turn in today. Until I see you next time, dear readers, God be with you ’til we meet again.