Soooooo old, but couldn’t resist:)

When Church Bulletins Go Bad

 They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church  ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church  bulletins:

 1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

 2. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon  tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

 3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of  those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care  much about you.

 5. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

 6. Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 7. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a  nursery downstairs.

 8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.

 11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super 
entertainment and gracious hostility.

 16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

 17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park  across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All  ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.. S. is done.

 20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation  would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please  use the back door.

 22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend  this tragedy.

 23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan  last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.


Author: fuguestateknits

Wife of one, mother of six, gram of five (so far) and lawyer for many young persons, I love to sing, read, knit and walk. My politics are somewhat left of Marx and I want to hear what you think, too!

5 thoughts on “Soooooo old, but couldn’t resist:)”

  1. These are the sort of things I say! I love the last one.
    I once told a congregation, when discussing the good animals do, that if I needed to relax I stroked my pussy…..and no, I didn’t mean it that way and it is very common here for cats to be referred to that way. However, the congregation roared.

  2. Colin, how hysterically funny! I have a similar story: When I was a senior in High School, I worked for a local veterinarian. A number of my classmates’ parents brought their family pets in for various treatments. Actually, I got to know and in some cases came to like even more, my fellow classmates as their animals came to see us.
    Well, one sweet girl, named Claudia wrote an autograph to me in our yearbook next to her picture. Her cat was coming in to be spayed. Her inscription? The usual “it’s been great, good luck in the future” and “Take care of my pussy.” When one of my many daughters, then high-school aged saw this, she asked me if I had been a lesbian in High school.
    oh Lord!

  3. cute! Though I thought at first these were all in your own church bulletin 🙂
    BTW that’s a lot of WIPs, you have your work cut out for you 😉

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