1)Call San Mar re: visits (if 5 PM – must leave by 4) 10:45-11
2)Take shower:) (or don’t do visits, LOL) 11-11:30
3)Prep for hearings tomorrow 11:30-12
4)EXPENSE report !!! 12-12:30
5)Prep for EFM Class- don’t forget decaf coffee:) 12:30-2
6)Call Thx: Amber L 2
7)Call Psychiatrist: Amber L 2:10
8)Arrange visit with Amber L 2:20
9)Go to office with pw from last week 2:30
10)Visit clients in Boonesboro 5
11) EFM class 7
12) Motions: (a)Rescission – Sarah B 10-12
(b)Revoke no-contact w/M – Brittany A
(e)Modify visitation – George B
(c)Respond to DSS Motions
(d)Respond to Tom’s Motions re: Amber L
14)Look at tomorrow’s choir music 12:30
15)Knit (HAH!) 1 AM
16)Bed 2 AM
Ahhhh Wednesdays, they are my raison d’etre!
To ALL you mothers out there – and to all of you who were mothers to the motherless!
There’s one other person I think about on mother’s day – my Dad. I think about the night our mother died. How we later learned he spent half the night (after identifying her body at the morgue) reading Dr. Spock’s Infant and Child Care to try to figure out how he could tell five little children that their Mommy was dead. He made mistakes, as do we all, but he was motivated by love and that covers a multitude of things. I will always be grateful to God that we were left with a good man for a father. So on Mother’s Day, I think of him always:)
Once I figured he’d be doing just fine without me, I went off to the festival. I’m lucky in that it’s really only about a 20-minute ride for me from Ellicott City to West Friendship where the Howard County Fairgrounds are.
I think what I’m really doing is trying not to think about that client of ours who died at the hands of his mother, the mother whose sentencing was today. I was listening to Dar Williams song – the title of which I don’t recall – but the words are about a little child lying in a grave (I don’t know if it was dedicated to Matt Shephard or not, but it wouldn’t surprise me). I thought about it being addressed to God: “Let Your Love cover me. Like a pair of angel’s wings. You are my family. You are my family.” couldn’t stop crying – had to take an extra 15 minutes to get home so my own family wouldn’t see the mascara doing a Tammy Faye down my face.
Was talking with colleagues at lunch – wondering what I/we could have done differently. Strangely, I take solace when one says, “probably nothing.” But I am still very very pissed off. VERY pissed off. At the neighbors who said nothing. At the mother’s father who molested her from the time she was a little girl, at the man who beat him probably. Mostly at the source of evil in our universe. I thought of the many angels who came to my rescue as a child, an adolescent, a young adult, an old fart, and want to scream at God asking Her WHY? Not, why did this happen – I’m not so naive as to think that free will doesn’t mean what it means, but why was I so blessed? Did I fail at the quest I must be on in this life? Is there time to make things better in this world? Obviously not for little R. But for others.
So maybe I have been bad. I have failed. Failed to see what was hidden. Failed to see a clue, failed to pay attention to something. What? I don’t know. But he was close to his Daddy. He didn’t want to leave home. He was hyper, always getting bumps and bruises. But I didn’t hear the screaming during the day when Daddy wasn’t home. I didn’t see the throat that didn’t get treated. Others did and I’m mad they didn’t tell about it. Because if they had I would have fought this head on. But they didn’t….. and I didn’t. Two lights went out R. and his brother. and the world is a little darker now.
Maybe that’s why Heaven looks just a little bit lighter and better and more worth trying to attain, with God’s help only.
And maybe that’s why I knit on bright sunny afternoons and read books about happy hookers. Maybe that’s why I refuse to let the dark side win.
Maybe that’s why being one piece of the larger tapestry of a musical piece giving glory to God brings me solace and communion. I’m singing with R and his baby brother and all the others here today and gone yesterday. The Communion of the Saints they call it and some are definitely more saintly than others:)