Update on Paradox? Looking forward to this weekend

Wow – pretty soon I am going to have to re-name this blog “FugueState” and forget the knits altogether. I think I got about 2 rows done on Sabrina’s scarf. Not a lot, but then I am recuperating from last weekend and getting ready for this one. Normally I do my silly to-do list online on Wednesdays when I am preparing for a full day of court. Today, I have a lot to do and want to set my goals down.

Obviously I have to clean, but first, I have to get my laptop back in shape and my desk area cleared (work before pleasure (!??)).

11-12:30

Clean up desk area

Reformat hard drive on laptop (dammit!) or maybe not? 11-12:30

12:30-2:30

Clean downstairs bathroom

Dust (hey, mind as well make some more!)

Clean up kitchen

Sweep kitchen floor

Clean upstairs hall bathroom

Change sheets on JoAnna’s bed

Clean up JoAnna’s room (GRRRRRR)(Can you tell Vicki’s staying there?)

Catch up on wash(AS IF!!)

2:30-3:00

Take a shower, etc.

Get dressed

3:00-3:30

Type note to Vick, with key

Tape envelope to front door (never said I was smart)

Get ready for retreat (oh yeah, did I tell you, EFM retreat is tonight until 10, and Vicki gets here at about 7:30 – nice friend, am I not?)

Will need to bring:

$12

CD Player

CD of Hildegard von Bingen or something similar

Staples “Easy” Button

Bible

BCP (bring second cc for Bruce)

3:30 Leave for retreat (get money out of bank for tomorrow?)

10:00 Leave retreat for home

10:30 Home, reconnect with old friend, plan on tomorrow’s festivities.

I am really looking forward to what I believe to be a momentous event in sacred history and look forward to the day that it won’t be considered all that big a deal. It will be nice to have Vick come to our St. John’s Sunday (she is employed by another St. John’s in CT).

It will also be fun to sing the Byrd. At choir praxis last night, it really sounded like it’s coming together well.

As for that other situation, who knows? I have decided that (1) my perceptions tend to be correct and though I tend to second-guess myself and/or situations, I am correct in this one, but (2) people have their own motivations for what they do and I need to be more charitable. After all, the people involved are people I deeply care about and truly caring/loving means not necessarily getting the same back, although that would be nice from time to time. What I think bothers me the most is the crazymaking stuff. Maybe it’s the lawyer in me, but whenever I have a problem, I usually just deal with it by putting it on the table, talking about it, dealing with it – or making a conscious decision not to deal with it – and moving on. I hate, absolutely hate, not talking about things. And this is one of those situations where it’s difficult to even discuss because I’m dealing with behaviors, looks, innuendos, and one comment from a person who is on the periphery. Not a lot to go on and impossible to raise to the level of a serious discussion without sounding like I’m having a psychotic break. Rest assured, I am not. Sometimes I wish I were, LOL!

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Decisions Decisions

Things are easing up just a wee little bit at work. Nice, but you’d hardly know it the ways things have been. Kelly is back on the job on Mondays and I appreciate that. I still have to worry about the balance of the cases, but I can live with that. It just seems that the clients have so many needs lately – again, I can live with that, too, just very very time-consuming. But that’s why they pay me the big bucks, LOL:)

Have been considering going back to school for the psychology, but wonder what my motivation is – something new to try to avoid the hard questions my job poses on a regular basis? I better really really think this thing through before putting our finances into yet another tailspin – assuming that will be the case. On another level, I may not get into grad school anyway. However, assuming I could get into the PhD program, it would truly be awesome to study psych – although my nearest and dearest would probably say I needed the therapy more than any potential patients would:)And really, as long as my kids are still in college, I don’t feel I have the right to financially burden the family with tuition or more student loans when my kids are working their respective ways through college.

On a different but related topic, I need to make a decision NOW about whether to take the EFM course. It’s a course for laypersons to learn theology. It costs $340.00 at a time when we are barely making our bills. I asked God to help me with an answer while I sleep tonight, because I cannot take that pressure any more. Objectively, it doesn’t seem right, but you just never know about these things. If I don’t have any major flashes of insight, I’m calling Su and letting her know I’m out for this year at least. Better that than get involved and then having the electricity turned off or worse! Still have to go tomorrow night because I volunteered to bring the food.

Right now I am having that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that has been plaguing me a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s related to work, family or just my own neuroses. I find myself wondering if the kids, the grandkids, friends and family are OK. Then I just want to run – go out, drive, anything but sit here! Flight or fight – from/against WHAT?

Maybe that’s why I like that fugue thingie…..

My Jesus Murphy!

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Do some of us go through life this way?

Fugue state: An altered state of consciousness in which a person may move about purposely and even speak but is not fully aware. A fugue state is usually a type of complex partial seizure. (medterms.com)

In psychology, a fugue state (also known as a ‘psychogenic fugue’ or ‘dissociative fugue’) is a state of mind where a person experiences a dissociative break in identity and attempts to run away from some perceived threat, usually something abstract such as the person’s identity. People who enter into a fugue state may disappear, running away to a completely different geographical region and assuming another identity. A bewildered facial expression is a common symptom of the condition that can involve both physical and psychological escape from a stressful environment.
A fugue state is often triggered by stress. The condition often follows interpersonal events in which a person is exposed to rage, threats to their self-esteem and challenges to habitual patterns of impulse control. (Wikipedia)

In one form of psychogenic amnesia, called fugue state, individuals may forget not only their pasts but their very identities. Despite the many Hollywood movies depicting this phenomenon, fugue state is extremely rare in real life. Fugue state normally resolves with time, particularly with the help of therapy. (memorylossonline.com)

Non-psychologists more commonly use the term “fugue state” to refer to the state of mind attained by a gifted (Someone who plays a musical instrument (as a profession)) musician or (A person trained to compete in sports) athlete where the person attains a high degree of focus and attention to their art or actions. This is also a dissociation from one’s surroundings, to concentrate on the work at hand. Other names for the same basic concept include “the mental state called flow,” often seen in the context of (Creating a sequence of instructions to enable the computer to do something) programming, and “being in (Click link for more info and facts about the zone) the zone.” (wikipedia?)

1: Am J Clin Hypn. 2003 Apr;45(4):311-22.
Related Articles,
Links
Comment in:
Am J Clin Hypn. 2003 Apr;45(4):323-31.Working with Dissociative Fugue in a general psychotherapy practice: a cautionary tale.Jasper FJ.St. Vincent Hospitals and Health System, 8401 Harcourt Road, Indianapolis, IN 46280, USA.Dissociative Fugue is a somewhat rare condition that therapists may see only once or twice over the course of a professional career. A brief review of the uses of hypnosis in the treatment of Dissociative Fugue is followed by a presentation of the case of a 51-year-old man who presented with the clinical picture of Dissociative Fugue State and who experienced complete amnesia for the time prior to the fugue state. This article focuses on the pitfalls that the psychotherapist in a general practice may face when working with such a patient and offers specific recommendations and scripts that may be useful in proceeding with treatment.Publication Types:
Case ReportsPMID: 12722934 [PubMed

Hmmm maybe one gets into a fugue state while one is knitting? Living in your own little world??