Update on Paradox? Looking forward to this weekend

Wow – pretty soon I am going to have to re-name this blog “FugueState” and forget the knits altogether. I think I got about 2 rows done on Sabrina’s scarf. Not a lot, but then I am recuperating from last weekend and getting ready for this one. Normally I do my silly to-do list online on Wednesdays when I am preparing for a full day of court. Today, I have a lot to do and want to set my goals down.

Obviously I have to clean, but first, I have to get my laptop back in shape and my desk area cleared (work before pleasure (!??)).

11-12:30

Clean up desk area

Reformat hard drive on laptop (dammit!) or maybe not? 11-12:30

12:30-2:30

Clean downstairs bathroom

Dust (hey, mind as well make some more!)

Clean up kitchen

Sweep kitchen floor

Clean upstairs hall bathroom

Change sheets on JoAnna’s bed

Clean up JoAnna’s room (GRRRRRR)(Can you tell Vicki’s staying there?)

Catch up on wash(AS IF!!)

2:30-3:00

Take a shower, etc.

Get dressed

3:00-3:30

Type note to Vick, with key

Tape envelope to front door (never said I was smart)

Get ready for retreat (oh yeah, did I tell you, EFM retreat is tonight until 10, and Vicki gets here at about 7:30 – nice friend, am I not?)

Will need to bring:

$12

CD Player

CD of Hildegard von Bingen or something similar

Staples “Easy” Button

Bible

BCP (bring second cc for Bruce)

3:30 Leave for retreat (get money out of bank for tomorrow?)

10:00 Leave retreat for home

10:30 Home, reconnect with old friend, plan on tomorrow’s festivities.

I am really looking forward to what I believe to be a momentous event in sacred history and look forward to the day that it won’t be considered all that big a deal. It will be nice to have Vick come to our St. John’s Sunday (she is employed by another St. John’s in CT).

It will also be fun to sing the Byrd. At choir praxis last night, it really sounded like it’s coming together well.

As for that other situation, who knows? I have decided that (1) my perceptions tend to be correct and though I tend to second-guess myself and/or situations, I am correct in this one, but (2) people have their own motivations for what they do and I need to be more charitable. After all, the people involved are people I deeply care about and truly caring/loving means not necessarily getting the same back, although that would be nice from time to time. What I think bothers me the most is the crazymaking stuff. Maybe it’s the lawyer in me, but whenever I have a problem, I usually just deal with it by putting it on the table, talking about it, dealing with it – or making a conscious decision not to deal with it – and moving on. I hate, absolutely hate, not talking about things. And this is one of those situations where it’s difficult to even discuss because I’m dealing with behaviors, looks, innuendos, and one comment from a person who is on the periphery. Not a lot to go on and impossible to raise to the level of a serious discussion without sounding like I’m having a psychotic break. Rest assured, I am not. Sometimes I wish I were, LOL!

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Decisions Decisions

Things are easing up just a wee little bit at work. Nice, but you’d hardly know it the ways things have been. Kelly is back on the job on Mondays and I appreciate that. I still have to worry about the balance of the cases, but I can live with that. It just seems that the clients have so many needs lately – again, I can live with that, too, just very very time-consuming. But that’s why they pay me the big bucks, LOL:)

Have been considering going back to school for the psychology, but wonder what my motivation is – something new to try to avoid the hard questions my job poses on a regular basis? I better really really think this thing through before putting our finances into yet another tailspin – assuming that will be the case. On another level, I may not get into grad school anyway. However, assuming I could get into the PhD program, it would truly be awesome to study psych – although my nearest and dearest would probably say I needed the therapy more than any potential patients would:)And really, as long as my kids are still in college, I don’t feel I have the right to financially burden the family with tuition or more student loans when my kids are working their respective ways through college.

On a different but related topic, I need to make a decision NOW about whether to take the EFM course. It’s a course for laypersons to learn theology. It costs $340.00 at a time when we are barely making our bills. I asked God to help me with an answer while I sleep tonight, because I cannot take that pressure any more. Objectively, it doesn’t seem right, but you just never know about these things. If I don’t have any major flashes of insight, I’m calling Su and letting her know I’m out for this year at least. Better that than get involved and then having the electricity turned off or worse! Still have to go tomorrow night because I volunteered to bring the food.

Right now I am having that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that has been plaguing me a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s related to work, family or just my own neuroses. I find myself wondering if the kids, the grandkids, friends and family are OK. Then I just want to run – go out, drive, anything but sit here! Flight or fight – from/against WHAT?

Maybe that’s why I like that fugue thingie…..

My Jesus Murphy!

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