I like this picture of Manhattan Island – the shaft of light showing where the WTC used to be. I don’t like the reason for the photo, of course, but it’s what we used to always call “The City.” They call it the City that Never Sleeps. I am beginning to feel like the woman who never sleeps, but that isn’t really true. I’m just a little restless tonight and thought I’d write something before turning in. Today was a typical rainy Monday – had a staff meeting, did my paperwork, did not get a tremendous amount of work done, but I did OK, got yelled at by a client’s grandmother who didn’t think I was representing her well (I’m not because she’s not my client!!!) and because I didn’t just know she was having problems (no comment!). Had a music committee meeting and then home. Poor John is working like a dog this week – 15 straight days, no time off, 15 hours on about 12 of those days. Sometimes I feel like everything is getting away from us, like we’re going to wake up one morning, both of us old and decrepit (as if we weren’t already, LOL!) and still with nothing to show for all the work we’ve done. A friend of mine once said that if she lost everything and had no money for her old age, she’d kill herself. Well, honey, kill me now, ’cause I’m already there!
It’s weird, normally, I really love the autumn. I enjoy the cooling of the weather, the days getting shorter as we head toward Christmas, the feeling of life gathering around the hearth, so to speak. But for some reason, this year I am so sad I don’t know what to do. And I have no real reason to be. My family is healthy, thank God! My husband is a decent guy, we’re both employed (for now at least:)), I’m doing work I love, he is, I get to sing almost every Sunday, I’ve made friends. We have so many blessings, I’m afraid (irrationally) that God is going to tell me “watch out or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Gee, wonder where I heard that?
I think the real reason is that situation has bothered me more than I care to think. I have spent so many years avoiding that kind of thing that I thought I was immune to normal human feelings, like getting them hurt. Sheesh.
Well this is counterproductive. I have to start giving myself permission to grieve and then I’ll be better able to move on. So, as time goes on, I’ll have more interesting things to talk about maybe.
What keeps me going is that crazy curiosity that doesn’t seem to quit. I just have to stick around to see what’s next, even if it means running the risk that I could get my feelings hurt again. That and the fact that I love my family. And that I just don’t have the time or the energy to be an emotional 14-yr-old! And that Christmas is coming:) And that I have the capacity to love. I just wish I could really and truly figure it all out, but then, welcome to humanity!
And I actually got a bunch of knitting done yesterday – a bit of a prayer shawl for a fellow parishioner battling cancer and a bit of Sabrina’s scarf.
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